So as I begin to unpack the source of my feelings of food insecurity, I am beginning to understand that I react to food scarcity in a very visceral and almost violent way (at least internally, my reaction is intense, and big and feels scary). It’s hard to mitigate, talk myself down and all that. As I live communally the past several years I have had many opportunities to deal with this but it never quite clicked in my head that I was being triggered until now.
Seems like either Karma, the Universe, or god/God continues to present us with the opportunity to learn and grow and we have the chance to say yes or no. As it is with this in my life thus far. I have spent some years feeling shame about my perceived inability to be generous around food, most especially with roommates.
Outside the heat of the most recent incident in the matter (Please see my previous blog post Food, Sharing, and When Someone Steals Your Motherfucking Lunch posted earlier this week) I am finding some time to reflect on the upset trying to get to the heart of the matter: how do I connect the dots in my life; how does this affect/effect me in regards to my minimalism; how easy or hard it is to get rid my possessions at this point?
For me this is the heart of the matter, the inside juicy bits, the interesting parts, part of the why I am a minimalist.
For me, there is the How and the Heart.
The How is the mechanical basics like:
How do I get rid of this?
How do I sell this?
The prefunctory-ness of it all. The nuts and bolts, the down and dirty, the getting down to brass tacks. There is stuff in my life that fell into this category. Most of my clothes fall into this arena, paper does as well, once I sit down and look through it but unfortunately it just takes a bunch of my time so I find it hard to deal with right now, also some surfacey household items that are not daily use can be initially easy to get rid of. This is all the How to me.
The Heart however requires more work. It requires reasoning out, evaluating motives, making conscious decisions, letting go, internal work on myself, asking the hard questions and being willing to look at the answers, and times like now of contemplation. The separating out of this is a thing as opposed to this embodies a person to me. What is need and what is want?
How does this serve me?
Do I own this just because it is a status symbol to others/myself?
What IS the reason I own this?
Being willing to sit with an item/s until you find the answer sometimes. What is at the heart of an item, the real reason we own it, how does it move us or touch us or control us? And deeper still, why can’t I get rid of this thing/s? This is my journey.
The Slow Minimalist